When I'm feeling old, tired, and mean...

 

This morning I felt old, and tired, and mean.  Does that ever happen to you?  I feel like an alter ego has taken over.  Her name is Rhonda. She carries a pack of Virginia Slims in her purse, she has frosted hair, and she says things like, “Ya’ll get on up out of here!  Mama needs a drink.” 

Is it just me or does P.M.S. get progressively worse every year of your thirties?  That is not a rhetorical question.  Tell me I’m not alone! At this rate, I’ll be stocking up on fire arms by the time I’m forty.  What is a girl to do to cope short of eating the Racetrack gas station out of doughnuts and wearing pants with an elastic waist? 

For starters, I thought I’d jump head first into a post about stuff that’s completely, unabashedly shallow and fun. There’s nothing like good, old fashioned consumerism to bring a girl joy on a dreary, hormone charged day! So, humor me, if you will, while I share some of my favorite, material things.  

 

1.) What, I ask, could be more important than coffee #you are thinking chocolate?  It is widely known that I have an ongoing love affair with Racetrack coffee.  What’s not to love?  I just bought my cup this morning for 49 cents and it was delicious, thank you.  But I have to confess, I have been a coffee tramp.  On a whim, I drove through Starbucks (I actually had four dollars and change in my wallet) and I ordered something that is more dessert than coffee: the Salted Caramel Mocha.  Words cannot describe the deliciousness!  It is the perfect combination of sweet and salty.  It is frothy and cold, with just enough caramel mingling with tiny grains of sea salt.  Yum!  Next time you want to buy overpriced coffee, try this! 

2.) Let’s talk about your hair color.  It’s important to me.  As real women (those not featured on reality television), we often put ourselves last.  We say, “I don’t need new pants; I’ll just wear my husband’s until I lose five pounds!"(or maybe that was just me). If you are like me, you can count on one hand how often you buy clothing for yourself in a year.  Two thirds of my closet is made up of clothes that used to belong to somebody else. And you know what?  That’s okay with me.  But the one thing that can’t look second hand is my hair.  There is something about having a nice cut and bright, shimmery color that makes me feel all lit up inside.  I am not dissing the box.  God knows, the box color served me well at times in my life.  But, it is possible to find inexpensive service at a salon. 

Here are some tips:

• Just ask somebody.  If you see someone who has a fabulous cut or color (particularly if they have hair similar to yours), find out who does their hair.  I have been known to accost perfect strangers on the street like a lunatic and it works!  That’s how I found the lady that cuts my curly hair today.
• Shop around.  Ask friends what they pay for their hair services.  Pick up the phone and call your local salons. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. I found my colorist by walking into a Famous Hair #similar to a Hair Cuttery, and asking which stylist was most experienced at highlighting dark hair.  They will often be honest with you and recommend someone if they know you are picky!  I pay $55 for highlights that would cost me $110 somewhere else. 
• If you want to save money, pick a color or highlights that will naturally blend in with your own hair color or that will blend in with gray.  Staying within two shades of your natural hair color can save you a few trips to the salon. 
• If you are thinking about entering into a personal relationship with a colorist, but are a bit gun-shy, here’s what ya do.  Take a deep breath and just say it with me… “I am better than the box…I am better than the box.” 

 3.) Friends, what did we ever do without consignment stores?  Specifically for kids! Here is a revelation: your kids do not know or care whether or not their clothes have been worn before!  They just love to have a new pair of sparkly shoes or a new dress.  Here in Mayberry, where I live, I have found a real gem, A Child’s Closet.  The trick is to find a consignment store that only accepts items that are in great shape #gently used.  It allows you to purchase boutique clothing for a fraction of the cost.  And best of all, I get to drop off all of the clothes that don’t fit my kids anymore and earn credit for them.  Who ever thought I’d be excited to see those baby clothes go?

4.) Speaking of used items, I have developed a delightful habit.  Just thinking about it makes me giddy.  I am such a total nerd…prepare yourself.  My favorite thing in the WHOLE world to do is…shop used books.  Oh yeah! You’re probably thinking Amazon, but I have found something even better.  Even Mayberry has a used book store, Books Galore, and I bet you do too.  Here is how they generally work.  I bring a big shopping bag of all the books I’ve read and plop them on the counter.  While I shop, they decide what they can use and give me credit.  Then I get to shop for half price paperbacks guilt free.  When I’m done reading the new books, they go back to the store…like magic!  And yes, I have heard of the library, but typically in Mayberry, the selection of adult fiction is shall we say…less than exciting. 

5.) Some of us have a genetic predisposition to makeup.  Can I get a witness?  From one addict to another, let me pass on some sure fire tricks that will have people noticing your pretty face.  For this, I have enlisted the help of an expert, my cousin, Annie, otherwise known as PeachPrenni.  She is not just an expert because she shares my genetic predisposition; she is also a licensed esthetician. 

• For shimmery, natural looking skin that people will notice try this: first apply Clear Radiance by Bare Escentuals all over your face with your makeup brush, preferably something that looks like a Kabuki brush.  You will look rather pink.  Next, apply your loose powder the same way.  The result will be porcelain-like skin.  Annie is a huge fan of Bare Escentuals’ mineral makeup and I am a Benefit girl, myself.  I achieved similarly fabulous results by using Dallas all over my face, followed up by Derma Blend, Cool Beige, setting powder.  If I want a more dramatic and tan look, I use Hoola, by Benefit.  I’ve also found that rubbing a bit of gold eye shadow into my cheek bones highlights them. 
• Disclaimer: This next tip is not sanctioned by ANY esthetician!  It is a crazy Kate tip that works well for my skin.  I have particularly dry skin that used to flake like crazy in the Chicago climate.  This solution gets rid of any dry skin and brighten up my complexion.  Sally Hansen makes a fabulous cuticle cream, Sally Hansen Problem Cuticle Remover.  I use it like a mask (carefully avoiding eyes) and leave it on for no more than five minutes and wash it off with warm water and a wash cloth.  Then I rewash with my everyday face wash.  Follow up with a good moisturizer. 
• My last favorite is for ladies like me who don’t get a pedicure more than three times a year.  Note to self:  when your heels start catching on the bed sheets, ya got a situation.  Never fear! After much research, I have found a product worth every penny of your $9.99.  It’s called Heel Tastic and it can be found in the “As seen on TV” aisle of Walgreens.  Short of taking a razor to those puppies, it is the greatest product you will find for your toesies.  Apply before bed and wear socks.              

Now, I know that you did not ask for my opinion on your next purchases...but you can just thank me later.  And if you have any favorites to add to the list, please share!!